I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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