got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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