Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
