Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
