It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
