u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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