I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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