every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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