If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
