You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
