I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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