I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
