I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
