She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
