Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
