My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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