K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
