with your own penis?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
