Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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