i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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