i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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