When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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