Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
