Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
