Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
