I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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