Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
