maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
