Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
