I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
