Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
