Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
