A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
