Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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