The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
