My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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