I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
