She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
