Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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