apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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