EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
