I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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