Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
