I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
