Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
