Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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