yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
