I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
