My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
