someone threw a dead crab at me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
