Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
