Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
