can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
