how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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